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Trauma Bond

CBC 2011 I met a man who would turn my world upside down in many ways. I remember it like it was yesterday, I was at Josephine minding my business and there he was bald and smiling like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I ignored him up until the point my friend said just go talk to him. So I did. He handed me a card ... a government lawyer ugh. I gave him my number.

Days pass and he finally asks me out on a date. We went to Chi-Cha Lounge and the date ran into the next day. Fast forward to spending days and weekends with him, taking the train with him into the city as he headed to work. I was down bad. Things were going great until he started saying little things that have stayed with me for years. When I told him my dream car was a G-Wagon, this man asked me who was going to buy that for me?! Me!? I am made of 90% ambition plus I'm Caribbean... I work for everything I have! How dare he.

Soon he started pulling away and that triggered me in a major way. I am the CIA of my friend group and knew it had to be a woman. This was the age of Twitter's hay day and I soon found out who had his attention with a simple tweet "Virgos drive me wild"... gotcha. I called him out on this and of course, it's the typical song and dance... I really want to make this work yada yada yada. We ultimately stopped talking except for one call on Christmas day when I was home alone with the worst food poisoning of my life. He told me to call an ambulance. 

Months pass and I meet my now ex-boyfriend and enter into a 6 year relationship. The lawyer would occasionally hit me up and ask if I wanted to get pizza like I was an 18-year-old co-ed.  Ummm... sir I am dating a chef, I eat coursed meals now,  I'll pass on the pizza. Throughout the years it would be like this. Him hitting me up and me declining. Years passed and he had a kid. I thought this was so ironic because he thought I wanted to trap him. Me...a girl who has never wanted kids especially not with this man. 

My ex and I split up in 2018. I spent the next 2 years in therapy trying to squash the anger and resentment that relationship left me with. Then here comes 2020 and Covid. The world came to a pause and we were all terrified and bored out of our minds. In August I get a DM or text asking to hang out. I dodge these messages for a while and I finally decide fuck it why not?

Once again one night turns into days. Next thing you know I'm helping this man construct a gazebo in his backyard and we spend the evenings around his fire pit drinking bottles of wine. I feel myself getting sucked back in. We're spending so much time together, he is constantly complimenting me and affirming me... I let my guard down. Things are going great for a couple of months, I am helping him with his book.  Like workshopping scenarios, creating a spreadsheet of publishers... doing absolutely too much. I get a book credit...right after his family as he likes to remind me. Once again he starts pulling away. I start calling him out on his weird behavior and we decide it's best to no longer be intimate. We got into a huge argument one day and he asked me to come over because he wanted to talk it out. It's 12 am and I figure it's probably best to go home but he asks if I want to go upstairs. Like a jackass, I stayed over.

Fast-forward a couple of days later and we're being flirtatious. He's at the beach sending me pics of himself. Somehow the flirting turns into I told you not to touch me. I told you I didn't want to sleep with you. Me absolutely bewildered because he was the one who invited me to stay the night. Long story short this man implies I assaulted him. This shook me to my core. Like... I'm now on Lexapro shook. 

One night I had a dream and I swear to God I popped up in the middle of the night and said he's back with his ex-girlfriend. I mosey over to ig and type in her ig handle and sure enough, she has taken a selfie in his kitchen. It all makes sense to me now. He cheated on his girlfriend with me that night and instead of taking ownership of it, he made me out to be the villain. 

We obviously fell out of touch. He goes on a bday trip with his girlfriend and it's miserable. He sends me DM's on ig the entire time. They break up not too long after that trip and because I'm trauma bonded to this man we end up seeing each other again. Once again it's great until it's not. He starts pulling away again. I'm like hmmm who is it now. My friend sees him celebrating someone woman's bday at a local lounge. Like I said before I'm the CIA... I find her friend's ig stories. I ask him if he's seeing anyone and he lies and says no. 

One night during adult relations he says something to the effect that I'm so much better than his girlfriend. That gave me pause. So now I'm like this man really has a girlfriend. Once again I catch him on a friend's ig stories with her. I said dude this is your girlfriend why are you lying?! He goes into love-bombing mode. You know I love you blah blah blah. I don't have a girlfriend. This goes on for maybe 2-3 weeks. One day he calls me and says he's been feeling funny in his nether regions and asks me if I've been sleeping with anyone else. I said just you...but you're obviously sleeping with other people. He retorts he's just been on a couple of dates and hasn't been intimate with other people but I obviously gave him this thing. I immediately go to the doctor and my results are inconclusive but I thank God it's curable. But this reaffirms his lies... as he had a full-blown positive result it was probably too early to detect in me.

I stop talking to him but he hits me up because he wants to talk about the obvious elephant or should I say STD in the room. We end up drunk and well here we go again. He takes his girlfriend he doesn't have to New York the very next day to go to a book thing. I caught a glimpse of her in his ig stories. I do something crazy... I sent her a DM on ig inquiring about the STD and if she got it from him too. She never responds.

The denial of the girlfriend goes on and on until one day, I see he's out with her on his stories and I call him out on it. He lies and says he's with his friend. Guess who walks into the restaurant I'm in with my friend. Gotcha. I buy them a shot...I tell him don't you ever think you can outsmart me because I am way smarter than he is and 10 steps ahead. 

We stop talking AGAIN and somehow reconnect AGAIN after he tells me his broken up with her. He takes her to Jamaica for his birthday. I absolutely lost my shit on him. We stopped talking for months and I am the happiest I've been in a long time. So happy that I stopped taking Lexapro and everyone is telling me that I am glowing. 

Somehow we reconnect.  Once again it's perfect, we're getting drinks and going out for dinner, and he installs a toilet in my condo. He crashes at my place when his sewage line breaks. One day I was out with a friend and I texted him to see what he was doing and he said he was out with a friend. I was triggered because I thought he was with another woman and I got spicy with him and said come meet me and bring whoever he is with and we can pretend that we aren't sleeping with each other. He is getting more and more pissed. I text the friend he was with and tell her to bring him over. He caught a glimpse of her phone somehow and started texting me from her phone. The last message he sent to me was "Fuck You". Once again we stopped talking for months. 

And then one day I woke up to a miss call from him. I ignore it. Then I get blackout drunk at brunch and send him a text asking him what he was doing. Here. We. Go. Again. The same cycle ensues. He's nice and charming, we have crazy good sex, and he's taking me out.  One day we went out and he dropped me home I didn't think about it. Then he texted me to tell me he had Covid and I didn't see him for a couple of days. We go out when he's feeling better. We have a great time and he drops me home. I call him maybe 5 minutes after he drops me off and muster the strength up to ask if we aren't being intimate anymore. He tells me we will talk about it in the morning. The morning comes and I call him and start attempting to have a conversation. He is purposely dodging the question and then I say well I'll take that nonanswer as a yes we are no longer being intimate. He says believe what you want and hangs up.

So now I know he's seeing someone else and like clockwork he posts her. He always tries to play mind games with me when he's mad at me. I head over to Twitter because it's literally the SAME girl from way back in 2011. She has two Tweets " My Virgo turned 40. I am so grateful for him" and "But I'm with a Virgo man".  Then the real kicker... "I've been on a date with this man for 4 days". Y'all why were the 4 days when he told me he had Covid. I got so pissed that once again I DMed another woman about this man like a crazy bitch. She'll never respond and I will pray for her mental health. 

I wrote all of this to basically document the crazy stuff that I have been through with this narcissistic man as a reminder to never go back. No matter how charming he seems, how much fun we have, or how good the sex is. He is toxic and I deserve better. I hope to come back to this post 10 years from now and laugh at this sad time in my life. 

Mel's Life: #Colombia Pt. 1

I went to Colombia for my friends' 18th wedding and had a blast. We spent 8 days on a whirlwind tour of  Bogota, Armenia/Barcelona, and Cartagena.

Our first stop on our trip was Bogota. We only had a solid day here but we definitely made the most of it. We started our morning with a trip to the market to eat all the fruit. We enjoyed fruit native to Colombia as well as old favorites like Bananas and Strawberries.  My mouth is watering just thinking about all of the goodies we sampled. Everything was so fresh and juicy, I could totally eat like that every morning (vacation Melanie is into health). 

After eating my weight in fruit and a cafe con leche, it was time to explore Bogota. We decided to check out the Gold Museum. I love checking out museums when I am travelling because it is a great way to learn more about the history of whatever destination I am in. I was floored by the intricate detail that was put into the pieces. Some jewelry designs looked like something you would see today but were created before baby Jesus was born. 

After spending two hours looking a hundred year old jewelry/ornaments naturally we wanted our own jewels. We headed to the Emerald market. I learned that Colombian emeralds make up 70-90% of the world's emerald market. I also learned that I have expensive taste. Literally every piece I was drawn to cost the average price of a one bedroom apartment in DC. I eventually settled on one carat studs that were simple and chic. 

Our next stop was lunch were we had a traditional Colombian meal and rested our legs before heading to Monserrate. We took the cable car up to the top of the mountain and were treated with breath taking views. Literally breathtaking...the altitude was no joke, especially for an out of shape 32 year old. We walked around the chapel and surrounding shops. I recommend the coca tea, its probably a placebo effect but I immediately felt like I could breath again after drinking the tea. 

Overall Bogota was a lot of fun even thought the altitude whooped my ass on occasion. In the next post I will talk about my stay in Barcelona.

Tulum: Sun, Salt, & Seaweed

I spent 5 days stuffing myself full of tacos and sunbathing in Tulum....it was magic! We stayed at a gorgeous Airbnb in town. Honestly, I could've stayed in that house for the rest of my life. The house had everything that I needed to survive, a Nespresso, pool, Netflix, and kickass interior design.

What I love about Tulum is the laid back bohemian vibe. Whether you want to be a party animal,  simply unwind, or get your holistic health on...you can find it in Tulum. This is something that I truly appreciated because at 32 I have low tolerance for partying nowadays. 

We spent our days exploring the ancient Mayan ruins, swimming in crystal clear Cenotes, and trying to find a beach with at least 10% less seaweed than Coco Tulum's situation. Currently, the beaches are overrun with seaweed, making it nearly impossible to enjoy the gorgeous beaches in the area. Luckily, Tulum has so much more to offer than the beach and our Airbnb had a private pool. 

If you are visiting Tulum you have to have to check out Gitano. One of my favorite highlights from our trip was dining and listening to live music al fresco in the Jungle there. Seriously this place serves vacation vibes on a thousand. Another one of my favorite dining experiences was at Burrito Amor. I seriously still think about my burrito experience there...like even right now I could go for a burrito. We also hired a private chef who cooked us a traditional Mexican dinner. He made a coconut ceviche, to accommodate my seafood allergy, that was out of this world. 

All in all Tulum was a lot of fun and I would totally go back.

Mel's Life: Greece

I spent a little over a week in Greece and it was pretty amazing. I'm tired af but it was totally worth it.  Every corner I turned I was met with a little surprise, whether it was a cafe, chic restaurant, or a piece of ancient history it was always exciting to see. Everyone we encountered were so hospitable and kind. We had many local adventures with folks who swept us off our feet and took us on a tour of Greek night life.  (Sooo many shots...maybe too many)

As with every place I go, I definitely want to venture back to Greece. There was so much I did not get to see especially as a nerdy history buff.

I probably should've wrote this when I fully recovered from jet lag but here we are...

Enjoy the pics! 

Mel's Life: #Italy

Last month, I took an epic eight day trip to Italy. After traveling to Australia, the eight hours from New York to Rome was a piece of cake. We spent our first couple of days in a spacious Airbnb in Vatican City. I cannot even lie about how geeked I was to throw open the shutters to our Airbnb and look out on to the bustling streets below. I absolutely adored the charm of the world's smallest country. Each morning, I woke up early to walk the cobblestone streets on the hunt for a cappuccino and soak in the city's vibe.

Coincidentally my friend was in town the same time as I and we grabbed a drink at a quaint little bar that served up some killer cocktails and roamed (haha) around the city until 3 am. I am not sure how I managed to avoid a ridiculous hangover the next day but I am pretty sure it was due to the excitement of being in Italy. On our last night before we left for Amalfi we went to Life Ristorante and had a killer meal. I was literally dancing in my seat the entire time I was eating. This was probably THE best meal I had the entire trip and trust I ate a lot of good food.

We took the train to Amalfi after a couple of days in Rome. It was a scenic route to Salerno and I enjoyed looking at lush green landscape as we zipped by on the fast train. In Amalfi we stayed at awesome rental property that was perched on what felt like Mount Kilimanjaro. Imagine five girls struggling with overstuffed suitcases climbing what seemed to be the staircase to heaven celebrating reaching the top only to get to the gate of our villa to discover there were more stairs (OMG). However, the view from the top made it all worth it.

Our first day in Amalfi we took a tour of one of the many Lemon gardens. It was pretty cool to see and hear about the famous lemons of the Amalfi Coast and of course taste the Limoncello. For lunch we dined on the pizza we all deserved and have been waiting on for all of our lives. Seriously...it was amazing!

The next day we took a day cruise up the coast to Capri. This was hands down my favorite activity of the trip. Nothing makes me happier than being on a boat sipping on something sparkling. The views were unreal and the crew on our boat kept the bubbles flowing freely (a little too freely lol). We stopped at the Emerald Grotto before heading into Capri.

I ended up losing my Amex because... I am me but luckily it was near the end of our trip. The next day we headed back to Rome for one last hurrah. We went to the Colosseum which was a 10 minute walk from our Airbnb. Then we spent the remainder of the day touring the Vatican Museum and the Sistine Chapel.

Overall I enjoyed my time in Rome and Amalfi. I will definitely be back. This was one of the most relaxing vacations that I have been on.